Lately I’ve stared at my word processing program and simply been unable to write. I liken it to my painting classes in high school when my art teacher told me that the hardest thing about painting was getting over the anxiety of a white canvas. Once you get those first few marks down, everything rolls out.
The problem is that lately things just haven’t been Paganism-related. I’ll admit it – In the last five months I’ve been a very lazy, very bad Pagan. Life has been too stressful, and I find it kind of ironic that my faith becomes stronger during those times despite the fact that my practice falls away.
Lately my focus has been on my bipolar disorder. It seems that I’m in the middle of a mild depressive shift. The boyfriend has been commenting about it for months, but I’ve been in denial. I’m just tired. I’m just stressed. I just work too much… The excuses are innumerable. I am fine. I am fine. I am fine. The truth is that I’m in survival mode. This is sadly a state of being that I’m quite used to. I work. I sleep. I eat when I’m actually hungry.
There is no creation. There is no outside contact with the world. There are no little rituals and habits. All that exists is survival.
For the most part I am rather good at convincing myself that I’m happy and that things are okay. As long as I’m going to work and not fantasizing about throwing myself in front of a moving car, I’m not depressed. Then spring started to happen, and I realized that while the world outside is shifting to another season, I seem to be lacking in that same shift.
So this is my world right now… Watching myself closely. Trying to keep things stable despite the fact that it’s not. These are the things that I need to write about and get out of my system.
The thing that I’m wondering is if I should simply keep it here in this blog, or should I move it to another one? I’m sure there will be some cross-over, but I really don’t want this blog to turn into my own personal The Bell Jar.
Well, I suppose that answers that question for me.
Writing does indeed solve everything.