Random Rambling About Mental Health

~ Camilla Laurentine

Lately I’ve stared at my word processing program and simply been unable to write. I liken it to my painting classes in high school when my art teacher told me that the hardest thing about painting was getting over the anxiety of a white canvas. Once you get those first few marks down, everything rolls out.

The problem is that lately things just haven’t been Paganism-related. I’ll admit it – In the last five months I’ve been a very lazy, very bad Pagan. Life has been too stressful, and I find it kind of ironic that my faith becomes stronger during those times despite the fact that my practice falls away.

Lately my focus has been on my bipolar disorder. It seems that I’m in the middle of a mild depressive shift. The boyfriend has been commenting about it for months, but I’ve been in denial. I’m just tired. I’m just stressed. I just work too much… The excuses are innumerable. I am fine. I am fine. I am fine. The truth is that I’m in survival mode. This is sadly a state of being that I’m quite used to. I work. I sleep. I eat when I’m actually hungry.

There is no creation. There is no outside contact with the world. There are no little rituals and habits. All that exists is survival.

For the most part I am rather good at convincing myself that I’m happy and that things are okay. As long as I’m going to work and not fantasizing about throwing myself in front of a moving car, I’m not depressed. Then spring started to happen, and I realized that while the world outside is shifting to another season, I seem to be lacking in that same shift.

So this is my world right now… Watching myself closely. Trying to keep things stable despite the fact that it’s not. These are the things that I need to write about and get out of my system.

The thing that I’m wondering is if I should simply keep it here in this blog, or should I move it to another one? I’m sure there will be some cross-over, but I really don’t want this blog to turn into my own personal The Bell Jar.

Well, I suppose that answers that question for me.

Writing does indeed solve everything.

3 thoughts on “Random Rambling About Mental Health”

  1. If it were me, and it's not I know, I would keep them in one blog. The thing about an online journal, or any journal for that matter, is that we don't have to start new ones for new topics. And I consider my blog to be my own personal Grimoire or sorts, and in a Grimoire you're going to have those journal entries that show personal growth. Whether they be religiously based or not. Writing things down shows how we grow as people, and really it IS related to paganism, because your faith is always there regardless.But that's just me. I hope you are feeling better tonight, and my thoughts are with you.

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  2. I hope you are feeling better. Ultimately it is your blog and if you feel writing about your feelings is going to help, by all means go to town. 🙂 I know on my blog I occasionally dip into my thoughts and feelings, especially since my brother's death. I just make sure to add a note at the top, letting my reader's know it isn't normal subject matter and that it won't hurt my feelings if they skip out on reading that day. Thus far no one has complained or un-followed me. Hope that helps.

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