I’m putting this here, because on Facebook I use my personal account and don’t want to explain to people who know me outside of my religious circle about the situation at hand. Today I am sick with whatever my body is throwing at me. I am in the middle of moving. I woke up to an escalation of drama that I feel stuck in the middle of, and I simply cannot handle it, even if I put myself into the middle of it. Not now. Not ever again. On some levels this has happened before, though I was more involved with it at that point, and as of this morning I am revisiting the pain and hurt from times before that I genuinely don’t feel are part of a healthy friendship. Most of that has to do with me needing to step back and really grasp how my actions have played into things, and also simply get away from it until I can act like a damned adult.
I am not naming names publicly. And I am turning off the comments on this post, because I don’t want people uninvolved chiming in. I think that’s happened enough, myself included in that statement. I will be more than happy to respond to emails or Facebook messages, though I hope that they are civil.
But I want to make one thing clear: In one case, I am admittedly the one that has been accused of data-mining and doing it in a manner that was openly an attack. This was never my intention. Instead I unthinkingly fell into the obviously bad habit of gossiping (working on it, but it is one of my flaws), and that information was used in a letter that, to my knowledge, was left as a friends only post on Facebook (which was then sent by a 3rd party in the same way that I was accused of). By the time I finally woke up today, I was left wondering what happened or if I missed anything while sleeping. And at this point I have fully recognized that it was wrong, and I have some unresolved issues that I need to work through on my own.
For that I am sorry. None of that is an excuse. There is absolutely no need to get a restraining order on me, which was suggested. I am owning up to my part in this. I am an asshat, a gossip, and admittedly harboring some unresolved feelings that I wasn’t entirely aware of, but what I’m not is a stalker.
If I did miss something, I really don’t want to know. I don’t want to be one of the people commenting and accusing. I am tired of settling into the comfort of feeling I have a religious family of choice only to have it regularly blow up and attack, divide, separate into camps, and lose people in the process. Most importantly, I am tired of hurting people I care about, intentionally or not, even if I do have unresolved issues I have done my best to just ignore instead of confronting in myself.
For those directly involved I am very, very, very sorry for my hand in it. I have put myself in time out. If you want to confront me, please do so privately. If you want to send me a friend request again, please be aware that it might take a while to feel safe in accepting for one reason or another. I have no ill will towards anyone. I am not out to get anyone. And if we are no longer friends, I understand and wish you the very best.