Author: Camilla Laurentine

Natural Cleaning: Green Housekeeping Kit

~ Camilla Laurentine

With Vernal Equinox around the corner, one way I’m celebrating is by doing the traditional spring cleaning starting with the physical. In my home, we avoid using chemicals as much as possible. While I would like to claim that it’s because we’re green, that part is honestly just an added bonus. The truth is that I’m incredibly sensitive to chlorine bleach and basically any chemical they use in common cleaning compounds.

And, let’s face it; the pre-made natural stuff is expensive. Being thrifty is something I pride myself on, but it’s also necessary for a young couple living on a small amount of money. Blow-by-blow, even with essential oils, you’ll find that using basic natural ingredients cuts costs – I’ve read that it costs so much as 1/10th what regular cleaning supplies cost.

I will note that with natural home cleaning, you’ve got to put a little more elbow grease into some jobs sometimes. The plus side is that you’re probably strengthening something muscle-wise by doing so. At least that’s what I tell myself.

This will be a short series that goes in depth on each item, but today we’re just going to go over building a basic cleaning kit for your home.

So what is in my cleaning kit?

  • Baking soda – This is hands-down my go-to product for basically any need in the world, including but not limited to home cleaning. It is a great non-abrasive scrubber, deodorizer, and mild detergent. We buy giant boxes of it in bulk because we use so much of it.
  • White distilled vinegar – The strong smell of this goes away after it dries, so don’t fear the stink. This is used in our house as a dissolver for the most part, but you’ll regularly see me sprinkling baking soda and dumping vinegar on afterwards to break up things like a funky coffee pot. Or anything else I can manage to do this to, because there’s nothing I love more than making things fizz and foam like an elementary school cleaning project.
  • Lemon – Strongly acidic and a great disinfectant.  I buy it in concentrated powdered form when I can find it since it lasts longer.
  • Essential oils – I try to keep clove and tea tree oil around as much as possible for disinfectant purposes. Lavender is also great for the same reason, but I find I get migraines from it.
  • Salt – Another great scrubber, especially when added to vinegar or lemon juice.
  • Soap – We have tended to buy natural liquid all-pupose cleaner in the past by either Simple Green or Method, but next time I will be purchasing castile soap in bulk along with a couple bars of unscented lye soap. The only thing to avoid are soaps with petroleum distillates.
  • Borax – We don’t use this much at this point, but I keep it around for soldering silver, and it sometimes spills over into housecleaning. I have used it in the past to kill roaches, so I’ve always been cautious of it. However, just last month I read that the Environmental Working Group has deemed it unsafe via Mother Earth News I mention it because it’s something you’ll find commonly in green lists. If you’re concerned about fertility, you’ll want to check out the links and consider all of this for yourself, too. Otherwise, just practice logical caution – Wear gloves and a mask when you have to use borax. And don’t eat it despite your whacky hippie recipes telling you to.  Links: Borax Has Issues; You Have Alternatives and Borax: Not the Green Alternative It’s Cracked Up to Be 
  • Ethanol or 100 proof alcohol – Not for sipping when you get too stressed out by housework! Okay, maybe a little, but we use it for a disinfectant. I’ve also used it for killing nasties like spider mites on plants. It works double-time for making tinctures. For those living in dry households, you may substitute with isopropyl alcohol.

Optional:

  • Cornstarch – Great for shampooing carpets and rugs or using to polish furniture.
  • Washing soda – Some use it for bathroom cleaning and using in their laundry. It can be a strong irritant, so use care. Don’t use it on aluminum.

As a note, Glad Rags is having a giant giveaway and they currently have a coupon for 20% off your purchase on their website – Including sale items. Ladies, if you haven’t made the switch to reusable menstrual products but have been thinking about it or are looking for period-friendly items I suggest you check out this great deal. The coupon code is MOVE11. To get in on their giveaway, you’ll need to visit their Facebook page. I’m admittedly a little disappointed by that, because I’d rather not have random people I went to high school with knowing about my feminine hygiene habits.  So I didn’t enter, but I figure I’d share for those of you who aren’t as inhibited as I am.  Haha.

And while you’re on Facebook, check out Ayamanatara who is amazing. She is a multi-denominational shaman. I have had the good fortune of sitting in on one of her classes, and she is truly gifted at her calling. Her Facebok updates are a service on their own, and I find myself pausing when I read them to reflect on what she’s saying.

My First Salve!

~ Camilla Laurentine ~ 4 Comments

I found an interest in herbalism at an early age, and at thirteen I started actively studying the subject.  Save for the occasional infusion, tincture, or compress, I’ve never attempted to make much else.  Either I didn’t have the ingredients needed or it just seemed too complicated.  So for the most part my studies have been purely academic and theoretical.

This winter, though, has been particularly hard on my fiancé’s hands.  The warmer weather hasn’t seemed to do much for them, either.  They are chapped to the point where they crack and bleed around the knuckles.  When the lotions we have around the house either started not being thick enough for his liking and even when the sensitive healing lotions began to hurt, I knew we needed to turn to something more therapeutic.

I decided he needed a salve.  For a while I toyed with trying to find one that I liked the ingredients in for exactly what he needed, but I was afraid that he wouldn’t like the feel of them.  Most salves are made with olive oil since the shelf life is higher than a lot of other oils.  I’ve always found olive oil to be a little heavy for daytime use on my hands.  And, being thrifty, I didn’t want to spend any more money on things he didn’t like.

Amusingly enough, though, I had grapeseed oil and beeswax just sort of sitting around here.  Being a foodie and a jewelry artist tends to keep me stocked in things like that.  I didn’t have the common herbs for skin woes, but what I did have in my cabinet was a glut of chamomile and marshmallow roots – Both anti-inflammatories and the former having anti-bacterial properties.

I didn’t have a double-burner, so I enlisted the help of a small crockpot that we never use.  I set forth with the double-burner and a silicone spatula to create an experimental salve for my sweetheart.

This is how I made it.  I’m not adding the herb measurements – Honestly they’re not my first choice and there are a dozen resources out there that will give you better ratios and suggestions than your purely academic herbalist.

  1. I placed my herbs into the crockpot.  Measuring out in a 1/2 cup, I started adding grapeseed oil until I had covered up the herbs plus about 3/4 of an inch.
  2.  I turned the heat on to Low, put the lid on, and wandered off.  Every 15 minutes or so I came back to make sure it wasn’t actually cooking and gave it a good stir.
  3. An hour-and-a-half later I carefully put three layers of cheesecloth in a bowl, and carefully pour the herb and oil mix into it.  With tongs, I held the herbs to give it a bit of a squeeze.
  4. I cleaned the remaining herb bits out with another cloth before putting the oil back into the crockpot.
  5. I took my beeswax block and cut it up in pieces.  The ratio I used was approximately 1 tsp of beeswax to 1/2 cup of oil.  I put the beeswax into the crockpot.
  6. I wandered off again, coming back every 15 minutes to give the oil and wax a stir.  It took about an hour for the liquid to become completely clear with no clumps of beeswax left.
  7. Once the liquid was clear, I poured it into some tins that I’d sterilized and completely dried – Getting water in the mixture can cause your oil to go rancid before it normally would.
  8. I wandered off again to let it cool off and solidify. 

Awesome.  I’d made a rather dreamy salve that softened but wasn’t horrendously greasy in a heavy way.  And I think I may be hooked on making it, because it was amazingly easy.

Monday Meditation: New Glasses

~ Camilla Laurentine ~ 2 Comments

Whoa, whoa, whoa, three entries in a month with two in the week?! I’m on a roll!

Yesterday I got new glasses for the first time in six years. In that time my prescription went up from a +1 to a +2, which for those non-spectacle-wearers is just short of a whole lot. I liken it to going up three or four pant sizes and somehow still managing to squeeze into your old jeans – Which has also happened to me at one point in my life without realizing it somehow.

Somehow, being the unapologetic living-in-my-brain-more-than-in-the-real-world-type, I am prone to not noticing long-term changes if it changes on a day-to-day basis. Somewhere I read that moving a cat’s litter box or even toilet training them could be done in the same manner – I’m pretty sure cats and I actually live on the same plane of existence. Inch-by-inch you move the litter box. Day-by-day you go a little blinder. Bite-by-bite your butt gets bigger.

But, attempting gently to pull myself away from pondering the size of my rump, I want to return to these most magical glasses that I put on for the first time yesterday. Slipping them on my nose and adjusting them on my nose, I was absolutely shocked. Shocked, I tell you. I managed through small miracle to keep this surprise to a couple dazed blinks in the middle of JC Penney’s optical department.

What was so befuddling, despite knowing that I needed new glasses, was not realizing how badly I had needed them. There are many days, after all, that I hadn’t even bothered wearing them because I thought I was seeing clearly.

Guess what? The world is not soft and fuzzy around the edges – I didn’t even realize I was seeing it as such! My mind was quick to consider all of this, and I had a sudden epiphany that a lot of things in my life have been like the glasses.

Clutter due to winter blahs has made my living space blurry. And let’s face it – My windows, smudged over the month by the wet nose of an excited cat, are about as clean as my old lenses on the final day I wore them.

My attitude, worst of all, hasn’t been as clear and true as it could be.

I suppose that’s what I’m trying to get at… Little by little, it is easy to fall into old habits. I think after 29 years of living, I have just realized this morning that unless I keep on top of things I’ll let life get into a state of disarray without even noticing it. I mean, I realized it before, but thinking on it now caused it to make sense.

There is, of course, a happy medium to it all – Going from completely procrastinating to utter control freak in 24 hours is just a recipe for disaster. Sadly some days I just don’t have the energy to keep on top of things even, but even that is something to work on.

I invite you, though, to take a new look at your life and see if there’s some habit or situation you’ve recently not been seeing clearly. Perhaps, like me, something has changed in such small ways over time that you’ve not noticed the big change. This is the time of year we should be searching out our goals on what we’d like to grow over the upcoming seasons – It’s just like planning your summer gardens!

I know I will be deciding what seeds I want to plant within myself so that I can start cultivating my inner-growth in preparation for Vernal Equinox. I’m thankful that the world gave me the opportunity to see more clearly by finally forcing me to get new glasses at just the right time.

How Does Your Garden Grow?

~ Camilla Laurentine ~ 1 Comment

It’s time to start planning your garden for the summer… So I’m asking today about what you grow and how you grow it. Do you grow things to eat, for spiritual purposes, or simply for the beauty? Maybe you pick certain plants and flowers to appease the fairies, or perhaps you only grow herbs that you will use in your personal spiritual experiences. – Pagan Blog Prompts’ Question for 2/17/11

This has taken me a while to get written, because every time I sit down to write it I end up getting distracted by gardening websites! It’s that time of year again, and I have been waiting eagerly for it since… Well, years. This is the first year I have space to garden! Like more than a tiny balcony that has to be used for other things! With a south-facing exposure no less! And an east and west! (And windows facing east and west to keep me happy during the non-growing seasons, but I’ll leave that to talk about in December!)

I am a happy camper. I am going to write through the spring and summer about my adventures with my first garden, wanna-be urban homesteading, and whatever whacky things come out of this. I have said before that my spirituality rests on a very practical plane and it most certainly touches even the mundane aspects of my life.

My garden reflects this. I’ve talked before on making every day and action a ritual, and gardening is an extension of this. Typically I have a specific deity to dedicate actions to or spend time talking to during my day – When I’m not spazzing out so much I overlook doing it; mindfulness, Meganne! Gardening, though, runs a full gamut for me…

1. It keeps me in contact with the Earth. Despite the fact that I have to plant in containers due to living in a rented duplex, it puts my hands in dirt. The rain will give me days off. The hottest part of summer will force me to roll out of bed to start working before it is insufferable outside. I look forward to complaining about the elements of nature like they are any other co-worker that causes me to stay in line.

2. It reminds me that my food has a spiritual source as a living thing that I should thank for its sacrifice. Plants put in a lot of time and energy just for me to come along and gobble them up, after all. Personally I think it would be kind of a bummer to be eaten. Seriously.

3. It keeps me in contact with the cycle of the year. Though I will say that the end of winter has turned into “OMG, please make the winter into spring already!!!” and I should be enjoying the season – I don’t even like the beginning of winter, so this is one to go on the We’ll Work on It list.

4. Gardening connects me to my ancestors, family, and those who have come before me. These groups are very, very important to me. I honor my mother by keeping up on houseplants and what she has taught me about them. I honor my father by planting native seeds. I honor the farmers who have put farming into my blood though I’m just one person with about 60 to 100 square feet to put containers on. Because of this, 80% or so of my plants are going to be heirlooms – Including Trail of Tear Beans, which carried taken on the path where so many died when forced from their homes. I chose these because I have ancestry there and my fiancé has Cherokee tribal membership.

5. I am feeding my soul and conscious. I truly believe that we should be eating organic, non-GMO plants. I also believe that the monoculture that large-scale farming is producing is dangerous. For a while we’ve been living on very little money, and groceries have been one of the places we’ve had to make sacrifices – The cheaper non-organic trap is horrible! It’s not healthy or health-inducing to feel like a hypocrite each time you make dinner or pick up a fork. And with that, I can do my part in making sure that plant diversity continues on, which in turn also makes me feel better because I’m dong my pro-active part to solve the problem.

6. Insert future list of deities that will be honored by gardening – Which demands a full write-up of its own.

As I was saying, I’m growing organic heirlooms in containers – Along with a few hybrids because I simply couldn’t decide on exactly what I wanted and/or they were bought for me or given as a gift. I have no idea how they will do in containers. A couple of family members have sort of expressed concern in the plan, but from what I understand as long as they plant has enough root space it will be fine… We’ll see. It’s a giant experiment! How exciting!

My Plotted Crops

Beans: Triumphe de Farcy (bush), Trail of Tears (Pole), and Dragon’s Tongue (bush)
Tomatoes: Cherokee Purple*, Mortgage Lifters*, and Green and Orange Zebra
Herbs: Catnip, German Chamomile*, Dill Bouquet, Genovese Basil, Sweet Basil*, Yarrow*
Greens: Arugula*, Tom Thumb Lettuce, Merlo Nero Spinach, Bright Lights Swiss Chard
Roots: Chantenay Red Cored Carrots, French Breakfast Radishes
Cucumbers: Straight Eight*
Eggplant: Listada de Gandia*
Luffa Gourd*
Peas: Thomas Laxton
Squash: Early Prolific Straightneck Summer*
Flowers: Candy Cane Mix Zinnias, Sunset Giant Marigolds*, and more to be decided

For those of you gardening, I really, really want to suggest keeping a journal on My Folia. It has been absolutely awesome for keeping notes for me. Also I’m attempting to fill out on herbs, cucumbers, root plants, and Bachelor Button seeds against my better judgment. I have marked swappable seeds on my list with a *. If you’d like to swap with me, leave me a comment with your email so we can talk – I have to approve all comments so I’ll delete it before it’s published! Or you can sign up on My Folia and message me that way if you’d prefer.

I Have a Question… Pagan Wedding Planning.

~ Camilla Laurentine ~ 5 Comments

Let me just say that, despite feeling a little weird about eating a frozen TV dinner, Healthy Choice has really stepped up their game on frozen meals.  They’re actually pretty good.  Unfortunately my town doesn’t recycle 5 plastics which many of their newer steamy whatchamajiggy meals use as their main dishes.  Therefore they won’t be being bought again until I can at least recycle them in my city.  But I think they’ve inspired me to try to make my own portioned out frozen dinners for myself at some point.  Just, you know… So you know.
But that’s not what I was planning on writing about.  I was just writing about it while I finished the one I was eating…  And I’m also not going to blog about how I’m going to blog, and then I’ll turn around and not do that.  Kudos, me!
I actually had a question to ask…
Allow me to show off my (dirty) ring…  
You see, I got engaged last year!  This is panning out to be an interesting situation as I have grand, albeit offbeat, ideas about what I want at my wedding while my Ozark Sweetie has admitted to having no idea what takes place at a wedding that is located outside of a Southern Baptist church basement.
While I am overcome with the giddiness of the pre-“how are we going to pay for this?” wedding planning, there is one part of it all that is making me a little nervous: The ceremony.  You know, the most important part and purpose of a wedding?
Here we have me – Pagan.  My guy is…  Something else.  He’s got a very “It’s great for everyone else, but I don’t worry about it” stance on things, though when he does talk about things he believes it’s really beautiful.  My family is a weird mix of various Christian denominations with a spattering of Buddhism and whatnot.  His family is Southern Baptist, though some are much stauncher in their belief than others.  On top of this, our officiant is a friend, and I don’t feel right asking him to run a religious ceremony.
But still…  This is a very, very spiritual undertaking for me.  Social contract aside, this is me coming out to the world around me and saying I am officially planning on spending my life with this person.  And I do see it as a joining of two souls.  I want some religious aspects worked into it.
I know I don’t want to call quarters.  I never call quarters, so I would feel really weird about it.
Anyway, my question is…
For the married ladies and gents out there, did you have Pagan aspects in your wedding ceremony?  I want to know about your handfastings and purely religious, too! 
For those of the non-married variety, I’m not leaving you out either here…  Can you think of any way to toss in some Pagan aspects into a relatively secular celebration of love?
Funny but true…  I can’t figure out what I’d want to represent my own religious affiliation, but I knew straight off the bat I want Corinthians read.  I may very well be a contender for the Worst Pagan Ever Award.  *insert giggling here*

Life’s Simple Pleasures: The Bird-Feeder

~ Camilla Laurentine ~ 4 Comments

I am in bird heaven right now.  I grew up with bird-feeders, and as a child I was quite the backyard birder.  Recently we put two seed feeders in our backyard against our patio.  I have regained my passion for watching again.  Multiple times a day you’ll find me peeking through the blinds at whoever is currently dining.  I get so excited sometimes that I call my mother specifically to tell her about what’s happening at my feeders.

Today was quite a treat for me.  Everyone thinks about baby birds in the spring, but the real excitement for me has always been the late summer and early fall when they start getting out so I can see them.  Point in case, I didn’t have one family come and visit me.  Nope.  I had three!  While a mother cardinal was still feeding a fat baby begging for food, I watched on of her other children eating on its own.  At the same time I’ve had a goldfinch family discover the feeders, so I had around ten goldfinches eating seed and sipping from time-to-time from my water garden container.  Later I was visited by the titmice, who I find absolutely adorable, and I found myself graced by them bringing their kids along.

Watching long enough has allowed me to learn each individual bird’s personality.  For instance, I have a little male chickadee that is a comical little pig.  Instead of taking a seed and flying away like his compatriots, he will sit at the feeder hanging upside to eat and only righting himself to get another sunflower heart.

Due to the fact that I have no mature trees in my yard and woods about a hundred feet away, I’ve not had to contend with squirrels.  And I haven’t seen any starlings or grackles yet.  Any of them are welcome, though, because I’m not too picky as long as they don’t mind being spied on by a nature voyeur.

Ragweed and moving to a new environment has caused me to have so many allergy problems, and I’ve yet to find a medicine that doesn’t make me sick that takes care of it.  So these last few weeks of summer are being spent indoors.  The birds have given me the greatest gift I could ask for – That of being able to connect on some level with nature.

I plan on introducing suet next.  And this next summer the hummingbirds will be getting a feeder, too.

So tell me, do you have a bird-feeder?  What sort of birds are you attracting, and do you feel like it gives you the spiritual recharge that I find mine giving me?

The Kitchen Window

~ Camilla Laurentine ~ 2 Comments

For two years I lived with my windows facing the interstate. To make matters worse, the windows were facing north, which means I couldn’t line them with plants to buffer some of the sight of traffic. One day I looked out to see a deer getting hit; deer is my spirit animal. I feel like all of this is some glorious metaphor for my final years in Iowa. The final year and a half I was physically exhausting myself in a retail job where material access was witnessed daily.

Sometimes simply taking yourself out of the rut in the road shows the ground to be less bumpy. We’ve moved now to Missouri. Despite the imperfections like gigantic bugs, I find myself a lot happier already. However, back to the interstate, I no longer live with the constant hum of cars zipping by. Instead my west-facing kitchen window faces a field that is mostly wildflowers and a wooded area with a stream.

The peace of the mornings makes me feel more connected to what is around me. The energy is more grounded. Also the neighborhood kids play in that space, which fills me with so much joy. It warms my heart to see children out in nature, but it brings back so many of my happier childhood memories. I feel very blessed. I feel like some of the darker facets of my past are being healed by it all by changing the focus of memories from negative to positive.

I have more, but I’m trying to space it out so I’m not writing twenty pages every few months. Ha.

For those interested, I also have a secular blog on design and various other things up and running at My CoMo Life. I plan on having free blogger layouts, since graphic design is actually a hobby of mine.

Random Rambling About Mental Health

~ Camilla Laurentine ~ 3 Comments

Lately I’ve stared at my word processing program and simply been unable to write. I liken it to my painting classes in high school when my art teacher told me that the hardest thing about painting was getting over the anxiety of a white canvas. Once you get those first few marks down, everything rolls out.

The problem is that lately things just haven’t been Paganism-related. I’ll admit it – In the last five months I’ve been a very lazy, very bad Pagan. Life has been too stressful, and I find it kind of ironic that my faith becomes stronger during those times despite the fact that my practice falls away.

Lately my focus has been on my bipolar disorder. It seems that I’m in the middle of a mild depressive shift. The boyfriend has been commenting about it for months, but I’ve been in denial. I’m just tired. I’m just stressed. I just work too much… The excuses are innumerable. I am fine. I am fine. I am fine. The truth is that I’m in survival mode. This is sadly a state of being that I’m quite used to. I work. I sleep. I eat when I’m actually hungry.

There is no creation. There is no outside contact with the world. There are no little rituals and habits. All that exists is survival.

For the most part I am rather good at convincing myself that I’m happy and that things are okay. As long as I’m going to work and not fantasizing about throwing myself in front of a moving car, I’m not depressed. Then spring started to happen, and I realized that while the world outside is shifting to another season, I seem to be lacking in that same shift.

So this is my world right now… Watching myself closely. Trying to keep things stable despite the fact that it’s not. These are the things that I need to write about and get out of my system.

The thing that I’m wondering is if I should simply keep it here in this blog, or should I move it to another one? I’m sure there will be some cross-over, but I really don’t want this blog to turn into my own personal The Bell Jar.

Well, I suppose that answers that question for me.

Writing does indeed solve everything.

Pagan Blog Propmpts: Seeds of Change

~ Camilla Laurentine ~ 3 Comments

Okay, I was off about my return to blogging. I still have so much to write about, but it seems that all of my energy goes into working lately. While I am capable of working a full-time job (or two hours shy of it) in retail, I much preferred the days where I was working around 18. Yes, right now I really, really need the money. But I am just so, so, very tired. I score 100% introversion on the Meyers-Brigg personality test (INFPs represent!). I’m what psychology calls a “highly sensitive person.” I’m a clairvoyant empath. I’m really not surprised that I’m flat out exhausted and too burnt out right now to create anything from jewelry to writing to simply cooking like I used to.

Thank goodness for Pagan Blog Prompts! Just when I’m feeling utterly complacent and unexpressive, I get this email in my mailbox:

As the Wheel moves from the dark chilly winter into the brighter and cool spring, what seeds are you planting?

This could be literal seeds (herbs and veggies for your personal or community garden), or figurative (as in changes in yourself or your life and surroundings).

The seeds you plant now, when nurtured and fed, will define the harvest you reap in the Fall….

Well, let me tell you… Haha. There are BIG changes coming up in my life. Huge ones. Exciting ones! The whole thing about how your life can change in a blink of an eye is all too true. It can. It will.

Sadly these are changes that will keep me from gardening this summer, but I suppose that will be okay.

I am embarrassed to admit it, but long ago I defaulted on my student loans due to my inability to work and my pride in not allowing anyone to help me take care of them. This has actually been a slightly hidden blessing, because honestly I’ve not known what I want to do when I “grow up.” So technically it’s caused me from gaining a lot more debt since I’ve not been able to afford to go back to school, which would have resulted in me jumping from one side of the spectrum to another to another in majors, most likely wasting a lot of time and money trying to figure it out.

Not that I didn’t know what I’m supposed to be doing. It was just that I wanted to, you know, explore my options of what I wanted to be doing. It’s not always easy to accept what your calling is, I guess. Ministry if you’re wondering, but I digress…

This brings me to last month while I was doing my taxes. I knew I had refunds from both federal and state coming, but I also knew that it was going to get taken to pay off some of my student loans. That was fine, because if they didn’t take it I was going to give it to them anyway just to get that monkey off my back. What I didn’t expect was that it was going to pay off my entire defaulted student loan. To the dollar. Not a penny less or a penny more.

For those that don’t believe in the magic of everyday life or the hand of the Divine working directly with mankind in our present time, I give the above example of why you may want to reconsider your point of view. (Though I doubt you are reading this, because my friends that read this are typically like-minded.) I genuinely, positively, and completely feel that this act has not only been divine intervention, but also a reward for all the work I’ve done to get to this exact place in my life in recent years.

What does it all mean? It means I’m going back to school! After careful consideration and a very honest evaluation of what my temperament and physical limitations are, I decided that perhaps working in the rainforest doing ethnobotany wasn’t going to work out for me. Plus it wouldn’t be the best option for having a family, since I want that in my future very, very much. Sorry I can’t come to your soccer game, honey, but Mommy has to go study with a shaman in French Guiana.

So we came back to ministry and religious studies. I knew this is what I’m supposed to be doing six years ago. Funny how it’s taken me this long to come full circle and fully accept this calling. My stubbornness and ability to fight what I’m supposed to be doing tooth and nail is quite expansive.

Anyway, this decision seemed to come at an odd time. My boyfriend had applied to two universities for grad school – The University of Missouri Columbia and some place in Oklahoma City that I refused to move to. Well, he got into UofM a couple weeks ago.

Another weird coincidence? Well, two actually… UofM had become my first choice for college because their religious studies program looks like it’s right up my alley.

Secondly, my family, which means the world to me, all live within an hour-and-a-half from there if not directly in Columbia. You see, I’m from Missouri originally, but we moved when I was three to Iowa.

Iowa that I’m sick and tired of. Iowa that is freezing to the point it makes me hurt. Iowa that feels like I’ve grown out of like some pair of pants. None of my close friends live here anymore, and even if they did I’d be two hours away from them.

This isn’t to say that I’m going to live in Missouri forever. In fact if I end up as an interim minister within the Unitarian Universalist Association, most likely I’ll be apt to move every few years for a while. But until it’s time to go to divinity school, I am going to be so thrilled to call Missouri my home.

I was quick to call my mother and tell her the news. She was quick to decide she too was moving home. This takes a lot of weight off my shoulders, because at some point she and I are going to be miles and miles apart. I’m more comfortable with the thought of her being close to her mother and sisters than in Iowa alone. Even if she’s not really alone here, but in my mind she is since she’ll have no family here. Family, after all, is so very, very important – Be it biological or of choice.

So, long story short, there it is. So much to say, but not enough time or energy. So much to do and having to force myself to do it despite the fact I’d rather be napping.

Tell me what you have been up to!

If the Shoe Doesn’t Fit…

~ Camilla Laurentine ~ 6 Comments


In the last few years I’ve gained weight. A lot of weight. I flip-flop between being very comfortable in my own skin and wanting to trade it in for a newer, smaller, possibly more fuel-efficient model. Perhaps that’s a subject for another blog post, though. Why I’m talking about the size of my butt is this – Gaining weight caused my feet to get bigger by a half size!

I am the proud owner of a fine collection of shoes that are simply too small for me. I have been bemoaning this for quite some time. I have been shoving my feet into shoe after shoe and sometimes enduring pain in the quest of cute shoes.

Why? Why am I doing this? It’s some sort of sick dance that keeps me from being happy and okay with myself after all. It’s a freaking shoe size! It’s not even something someone will look at and go “That’s bad for your health.” And for those of you wondering, my feet are (amusingly enough) now a very average size 9. They have by no means grown to clown-shoe proportions, and really the only thing I should be whining about is the fact that all the good shoes are sold out by the time I get to the sale.

Then this evening I had a little moment of clarity – Something I’ve seemed to be lacking in lately. As I was grumping to myself about finally getting the point of giving up on discomfort and donating my old shoes to those that can get some actual use out of them, I had a thought cross my mind. I paused, took a deep breath, and suddenly I found the words “My growing feet just mean more of me can touch the Earth as I walk on it.”

Pardon my language, but I feel as if I’ve just gotten a spiritual bitch-slap from the Goddess herself! Just a little reminder that I need to stop fretting over the things that don’t really matter so I may focus on the things that actually do. Don’t we all? But how many of us practice mindfulness to the point of being able to do so? When we get into a cycle of worrying do we even notice that we are doing so? Can we make a point to recognize what we are doing and stop?

I work retail currently. The other day a customer informed me, in a rather nasty manner, that I needed to be friendlier. I allowed it to ruin my entire day and the next it was still bothering me. You see, I pride myself on being friendly and cheerful no matter what at work. I might be on my very last nerve and in blinding pain, but I smile, laugh, and carry on to a point that the first time I was snarky (a good nine months after starting my job there) my co-workers expressed shock.

I call it my “rat reaction.” You see, when rats aren’t feeling well and are suddenly feeling threatened, they act completely fine. If you poke at a sick rat, it’s going to appear not to be sick anymore. If you tick me off at work, I’m going to act even more chipper and cheerful than before. That’s what I get paid to do, and I typically get glowing compliments from customers on my attitude.

Anyway, the thought that someone thought I wasn’t being friendly basically ruined my life for a couple days. Now I can laugh about it, but at the time it was serious business.

To get to the point, if I would have actually been paying attention to my thoughts and worries, I doubt it would have gotten to me quite as badly as it did. If I was actually practicing mindfulness, I could have redirected my thoughts to things that really matter. Because honestly one person’s passing opinion of me doesn’t really matter. I’m not in control of what others think of me despite my best efforts at mind control. I also highly doubt that over dinner the woman was thinking of how “unfriendly” I was to her.

I have bigger, better things to worry about. Putting my prayers and good thoughts out there into the world. Applications for college. Making sure I remember to eat and am getting enough sleep. Being able to recognize when I’ve got too much on my plate and figuring out how to balance it so I don’t crash. And so on; and so forth.

I shouldn’t be shoving my feet into shoes that are too small. I shouldn’t be fretting over my feet getting bigger. And I definitely shouldn’t be worried about what other people think of me.

My new strategy is attempting to recognize when these things are running through my mind. My feet getting bigger just means that I can touch more the Earth as I walk. A genuine smile can change a stranger’s day. Mindfulness truly is an important part of the puzzle that is happiness.

(And yes, dear readers, I am back after my hiatus. I have much to write about – A growing list even! But don’t expect much for another week or so because I have a vacation to take. And Blogger? Your “improvements” to the post editor makes my computer freeze to the point that I wanted to chuck it out the window. Boo.)