Paganism

Embracing a Calling: Death Midwifery

~ Camilla Laurentine ~ 7 Comments

In my early 20s, I received that profound moment that others describe where they receive their calling towards ministry – The calling where you find yourself suddenly at complete peace and going “Yes, I can do this. I can help people with their spiritual lives.” I had originally planned to become an Unitarian Universalist minister, but truth be told the thought of being in school for another 8 years of my life and going into extreme life-long debt only to be saddled down with society politics (because I’ve seen congregations explode in my time and out a minister at the turn of a hat) seemed to kind of a dead end to me.

Then I was told to go into agriculture. This is still on my list of things to do. The problem is that we’ve discovered that I am photosensitive. I have many of the symptoms of lupus, but we’re still searching for answers to if it really is lupus or something else. With that, I’m not sure exactly how large-scale I’m going to be able to work on a farm. Not that I wanted to have a huge farm, but I want to cultivate more than food for just my family – This is another topic altogether, so I won’t go into details right now.

With coming to terms with the fact that my plans are, at the very best, up in the air, the thought of ministry that I’ve been avoiding came back into play. Being a chaplain. This isn’t the first time the thought of being a chaplain to prisoners or in a hospice has entered my brain. It was where I left off when I decided I didn’t want to go back to college. I still don’t want to go back to what will end up being 8 years of college for me where I have to take a bunch of classes not directly related to what I want to do with my life.

I started looking at where I really wanted to be when it came to my role as a spiritual support role in our community. I found myself going back over and over again to those who our society turns a blind eye to quite often – The Dying.

Hekate started discussing her role as Torchbearer to me. I sank quietly into the Eleusinian Myth from a different perspective, and that was the role of Hekate – Bringing the mourning and tired mother into the underworld to find her daughter. Such a modest mention in the grander story, but one of the most important roles within the myth.

I started pondering becoming a death midwife/doula and home funeral assistant. I had no real concept that others were doing this work already. I had no clue at the time that there was literature and training available out there for death work. Slowly links and discussions started trickling in on me. Eventually I found a certifying program online that I felt was a good match for me along with a few classes.

I started talking to others about how I was considering walking into this line of work. Most of the conversations I’ve had have been incredibly positive and encouraging.

Then a friend from high school died last week. She didn’t die suddenly. I have watched her slowly die over a two year period on Facebook. She had gone through radiation and chemo for a brain tumor while pregnant. I cried when she had a severe allergic reaction to the chemo drugs and had to stop taking treatment. I cheered when her son was born healthy. We discussed head scarves in that time as her hair started to fall out. I prayed for her. I watched her come into faith with her God and find peace; she was truly graceful in a way I’ve never seen another human being. We were not close despite all of this. Yet something about her passing changed me in a profound way, watching the process from even an impersonal position 2 states away caused me to consider how we as a society view death and what that means to not only the Pagan/Polytheist community but those who feel the need for a different approach to death… Something warmer, kinder, and gentler for those crossing and those left behind.

I have full plans to offer my services on a sliding scale or at no cost to those in need, save for supplies that might need to be bought. Despite the Affordable Care Act, I fear that people dealing with large hospital and healthcare bills still exist, and while I would like to be compensated for this work I also feel it’s imperative that every person be given the dignity they deserve in the final days.

So here I am, putting out the word today that I’m going to attempt doing this. This is part of my Work. This is a piece of the puzzle of how I’m meant to serve our community. It’s not something I would have ever thought I’d find myself doing, but I also didn’t see myself going into farming either. Now I can’t imagine myself not having land to work with one day.

With all of this said, I’m asking for help with this. I could go into the long story about why I’m trying to raise the $700 it takes to get myself trained to a point where I’d feel comfortable starting to work, but the fact is that as much as I’d like to be able to pay for this out of my own pocket I’m unable to do that.

I’ve started a GoFundMe fundraiser in hopes of even getting the smallest amount raised to help me in this journey. I’m offering various levels of rewards from prints to custom art to prayer beads made of stone with hand-fabricated sterling silver filigree made by me. Even the smallest of donations will help me out. If you’re unable to donate, please consider sharing the link to get my story out there.

Thank you so much.

 

Coming Out as a Godspouse

~ Camilla Laurentine ~ 7 Comments

Coming up at the beginning of August, I will be celebrating my 8th anniversary with my Lord Apollon. With that, He has requested that He and I revisit and rework the vows we made to each other all of those years ago when our relationship was just really beginning to take form. Despite the fact that these vows were agreed to for only a year, we remained with each other faithfully without much fanfare. We simply were and are, and I have enjoyed constant companionship with Him. I have enjoyed the blessings He has brought into my life.

It feels strange and uncomfortable talking about my relationship with Him on my blog, which on the other side of the coin is hilarious to me. I have to remind myself that it’s only been in the last few years that I’ve even begun to talk about the relationship to those nearest and dearest to me.

But with this renewal of our marriage vows, He has made it clear to me that my Work with Him is about to increase. And with that comes the necessity of being open about who Apollon is to me.

For the last 6 months, I have been attempting to write my history with Apollon. At this point it simply isn’t going to happen. It is too long, convoluted, and honestly I’ve discovered that in those first few years I’ve completely lost track of my own chronological history due to mental illness and/or spiritual emergence as a (still emerging) Spirit Worker.

He doesn’t care if I tell our story at this point, because there are other projects He prefers I work on – Roman Revivalism, building a new shrine in the house, and laying down the plans for His future sacred homestead and temple. Taking on students. Training further as an Oracle. More importantly, working to raise His healing family’s cultus and (re)building a healing modality that lies in the heart of a Mystery tradition that is being built – Not just by me, but others working with Him.

He wants art. He wants me to write more, both fiction and non-fiction, so perhaps in time our history will be told. It’s just not high on my priority list right now.

All that was really requested of me is an easy “Yes, this is me. I am a Wife of Apollon.”

When this relationship started, I realized that I wasn’t the only one. I simply didn’t know other Wives or even that there was a larger community of Godspouses (and all the other shades of relationship) out there. Over the last few years, I’ve found others. Some of us have formed very important friendships to me to the point where I truly do consider them sisters.

I’ve heard stories about how they are treated by some in the larger community. I’ve seen a lot of accusations that fall upon the mental illness stigma our community is rather terrible about. And I think partially I’ve been quiet due to not wanting anyone else having problems since I have been completely open in the past about my struggles with both bipolar disorder and debilitating social anxiety – Both of which Apollon has helped me and is continuing to help me manage. I don’t want others to experience some of the treatment I’ve experienced due to the fact that one Spouse happens to also have the mentally ill label.

But more importantly, I have simply wanted my relationship to be private, because it’s exactly that: A private relationship. I don’t talk about the details of my marriage to my mortal husband. Specifically I don’t divulge very private details: our disagreements, our physical relationship, etc. And yet people feel that, because you are married to a God or Goddess, that it’s okay to ask for information of a private nature. There’s a disconnect for some reason that, because this is a God it is somehow different emotionally than being married to a mortal. It isn’t. It never occurs to people that asking someone in this sort of relationship with a God might be hurt by others demanding to know if their Husband wishes to be in a marriage with them or how to have sex with them.

In the limited openness I’ve had I’ve found this to be true, so I’ve very quietly started coming out about it. I put a link up to The Treasury of Apollon. I mention my work with Apollon more regularly. I state I’m a godspouse on my About page.

But that’s not quite good enough for Him. I’m okay with that, or if I say that enough times perhaps I will be okay with it eventually. He didn’t ask me to tell our story. He just wanted me to be open about who He is in my life.

I will not be responding to others asking questions about if He wants to marry them or how to sleep with Him. Trust me, if He has interest in you, He’ll find away to get that wish communicated to you very clearly. I’m fully okay with Him having relations with others, but I’m much, much less okay with being involved with being part of the organizing of said relations of strangers.

I will, however, talk about my relationship with Him. I will talk about Him in general and our Work together.  If you have a question about working with Him in general, I will happily respond to your questions.

So there you have it.

March: A Modern Fasti

~ Camilla Laurentine ~ 2 Comments

This is my attempt at putting down what we practice and celebrate in my household.  As one that holds cultus for Apollon, some Hellenic days slip into the mix for both Him and His family. You will also note the incorporation of modern holidays, veneration of historical figures, and personal rites tied to the seasons where I live that embrace the agricultural cycle (as opposed to the solar seasonal).

These will be hyperlinked as soon as they are posted for those who have found this later.

Each of these days will posted on their actual date or shortly thereafter depending on my home schedule.

 

fasti

March (Martius) is considered by most to be the beginning of the Roman religious calender. It is named after Mars, the Father of Rome, and many of the traditional festivals of the month center around Mars and his myth.

  • Kalends March 1st– First day of the month, with rites performed for Juno and Janus
  • Die natalis of Mars, March 1st – Birthday of Mars
  • Matronalia, March 1st – Celebration of mothers and wives, with rites to Juno Lucina
  • Nones, March 7th – Honoring Juno, the Lares, and the Penates
  • Ides, March 15th – Honoring Jupiter
  • Liberalia, March 17th – Festival of Liber Pater and Libera
  • Northward Equinox/First Seeds, March 20/21st – Planting the first seeds of the Spring/Summer garden
  • Final Day, March 30th – Honoring Hecate

Why My Blog is No Longer I’m Not a Wiccan

~ Camilla Laurentine ~ 8 Comments

After 5 sporadic years of writing on this blog under the name I’m Not a Wiccan, I have decided to change its name. When I started blogging, I had problems finding others like me. It actually has taken me years to search out the pockets of people who believe much like I do. And in 2011 when the major Polytheist versus Pagan linguistic debate started, I decided to continue calling myself a Pagan.

These days I find myself using both terms interchangeably, but since I talk more with self-identifying polytheists, I tend to use that term more and more. Especially since swinging further into a Roman-influenced practice.

I, personally, am bored with the debate. I see a lot of hate being spewed forth by those who are loudest and, for one reason or another, have been allowed to be considered our leaders. These people are not my leaders. These people do not speak for me.

They may use the same terms I lazily use for myself, but they don’t even represent the vast majority of us milling about on the internet – Those of us who are too busy doing the work that so many of them are apt to scream we need to do. These “leaders” are not my people any more than the Neo-Pagans, Wiccans, etc.

Recently I was told by the Gods I serve that it was time for me to speak more on the tradition we’ve been building together, and this is what I plan to do. I am more concerned with my own work and spiritual practice than I am in joining the game of More-Devoted-Than-Thou and whatever general holy roller nonsense that we as a community have allowed to leak in, take control, and poison of our faiths. And this is happening on all sides.

It’s elitism.

I’m not an elitist.

I’m an Apollonian, and I hold the belief that we’re all on our own paths to excellence. I’m no better than the next person. I’m a stone that’s still being polished.

I want temples and social services for our people. I want things to actually change for the better. I don’t have time to sit around debating after this long about polytheism versus paganism, hard versus soft, devotional versus whatever. These debates are typically not even of the thelogical nature, and they’re designed to build a “us versus them” drama that is constantly fueled by ill-concealed hate and the need to be better than someone else. They are the debates that never end. They are debates that take us away from the real issues at hand.

Who cares? What are you doing for the community beyond stirring the pot and making money off of us? Why should I enable your histrionic narcissism?

And so while the address to my blog will still hold the term “Not A Wiccan” in it, I feel it’s time to retire the name. I don’t feel that what I’m not should define me any more than I think what other people do in their private, religious life is any of my business.

There is nothing wrong with being a Wiccan. I have a lot to thank the Wiccan community for, because it’s a lot easier these days to say I’m Pagan and not get my life threatened, which has sadly happened more than once in my nearly 20 years as an open Pagan/Polytheist.

I refuse to add to the nastiness, even with the smallest detail – And so my blogs name must change. Be the change you wish to see, right? Right.