Polytheism

Looking For Death-Related Prayers and Poems. Help?

~ Camilla Laurentine ~ 12 Comments

I’m currently putting together a guidebook for my work as a death midwife, and eventually I would like to be able to offer the non-copyrighted work to others wishing to get into death work in the Polytheist and Pagan community.

I would really, really love to have a collection of prayers, meditations, and beautifully written words to span various traditions and religions.  I would love to have both historical pieces and modern.

Eventually, I’m considering putting together an anthology of modern work on the subject, but if I take on one more project right now I’ll probably drop everything I’m carefully balancing.  However, if you submit something to me now, I would like to know if when I get to the point of putting something together for the community if you’d like to be included.

And in this vein, I’m also looking for soothing pieces.  Pieces to help people transition to their next journey.  Gentle things.

But also prayers for the deceased once they have ceased to be fully in our world.

So can you help me?  Even just links to your favorite hymns?  And would you kindly pass this message on to those who may be able to help?

Thank you!

Asklepieion: My Big Dream

~ Camilla Laurentine ~ 3 Comments

I mentioned in a video that I had been given the charge to build a temple for Apollon, but I realized that I’ve been kind of nervous about talking about what it is that I feel called to accomplish with my life… Partially because I really don’t want to hear the naysayers’ opinions. Partially because I’ve spent so much of my life avoiding the calling towards what I realize I’m meant to be doing in this world… It’s hard to say I have a calling and a vision for my future, that I feel I was placed in this point and time in history because I have Work that I am supposed to do, and not feel like hubris is creeping in.

I talked to my therapist about this the other day. I went back to therapy, because I’m working on social anxiety issues and pain management via cognitive behavioral therapy. But really? CBT is pretty awesome. It aligns with Stoicism and mindfulness. Finding Personal Center and conquering the doubts, fears, and shadows in my own psyche while on relatively equal footing instead of in the middle of mental health emergency is proving to be a really empowering and enjoyable process thus far.

It’s that whole “Know Yourself, y’all” deal that Apollon has driven home to me.

But as I was saying, I talked to my therapist about it the other day. This was a huge deal for me, because I’ve only talked about the Big Dream in bits and pieces to anyone. Never mind that this fantastic woman, truly a modern day healer, who I’m paying to help me untangle the knots holding me back, isn’t Polytheist or Pagan. I have no idea what her beliefs are, other than she wasn’t too keen on the local inter-faith community locally and she’s got friends with children who are Pagan or Polytheist. And yet, we were able to talk Jung, CBT, and the intersection of mental illness and spiritual experience on a neutral place… She got it. She understood where I was coming from, even if I struggle with an elevator speech on what I believe and can talk more easily about what I’m not instead.

She looked at me. She smiled. And she told me, “Your road is lonely.”

She got it.

Each time I’ve talked to someone, even in bits and pieces, I’ve felt a little more brave about putting it all down in one place. So, despite the fact that I have questions I’ve promised to answer, I wanted to take the time to put The Big Dream down in words to share. The Big Dream I’m eventually going to have to have people helping with, because it’s too big to do on my own.  Even if for now it is lonely.

As I’ve said, Apollon has made it clear that He wants me to build Him a temple. It’s not simply a temple where religious services will be held but a place of healing. And not just any healing but spiritual and mental healing specifically.

I think my own life and watching other friends, both in and out of the Pagan and Polytheist communities, struggle with spiritual emergence, spiritual emergencies, and mental illness has led me to understand that this sort of place is needed. We have very few allies we can go to when we find ourselves having experiences we cannot explain. Mystical experiences can be quite close to psychosis, and typically there is no one there to help navigate the person experiencing them that has a firm understanding of how the spiritual, mental, and even physical integrate to make the larger whole.

You may find yourself seeing a therapist or psychiatrist who can help you get leveled and back in control of the situation, but you may find yourself scared to talk to them about the religious part of your experiences due to being branded one of the mental ill, widely stigmatized in our society.

You may find yourself falling into a community where psychiatry is demonized. Even though it may, in the right hands, be a key to help you obtain some relief without removing the underlying spiritual work. And you may find in that situation that your life falls away from you in a way that causes you to lose more than you are willing to give up.

Or, worst of all, you may find yourself unhelped at all and end up dead.

My dream is to build a place, with a trained and professional staff, that brings about equilibrium for those in this situation. Professionals with degrees in social work, psychology, chaplaincy, and so on, to help serve a person transition from mundane existence to a more spiritually-led life. A psychiatrist who is friendly and open to the needs of this type of situation.

The logistics is that, eventually, a live-in religious community of Polytheists and Pagans would develop on the land that the temple would be on. Small individual houses for those who work both the land or with people along with communal space for (optional) shared meals and celebrations. More small quarters for those who are coming to be helped. All surrounding the space that’s dedicated for Apollon’s temple.

Around that would be a sustainable farm using permaculture, including a bee sanctuary and shrines set up in various places throughout the zones. We would offer a training programs for veterans, teaching them both to farm and helping them work through any mental health problems they might have problems with. We would offer internships and a residency program to hopefully help train other professionals to go out into the world and offer services that align with our values.

This serves 2-fold: One, it provides Pagan and Polytheist training. Two, for those who can’t afford the services monetarily, there can be a sliding scale and payment via work that must be done to keep the community thriving.

If I can get enough land, I would like to offer space for natural and green funerals. At the very least, I know that with my current training in being a death worker will be used to serve those who need help dying, though eventually I would like to explore the thought of offering hospice space for those in need.

I’ve had this idea in my head for about a decade now, but it’s only now that I’m starting to think that it’s quite possible I may be able to actually have this happen. It’s only now that I’m brave enough to start talking about it with others

So… There is my Big Dream. When you hear me talk about building at temple for Apollon, this is what I actually mean. When you hear me say that I’m struggling to figure out what I’m going to do education-wise for myself, this is why. This is what I want to make happen. This is what I’m called to do.

 

Study for Future Apollon Piece

Image ~ ~ Camilla Laurentine

Study for Future Apollon Piece

Slowly pulling myself out of the art block that lasted over a decade. I’m currently working on studies for a future piece of Apollon.

I have been putting off drawing Apollon, because my self-confidence to get Him right is does not exist. He has been pushing for it all the same.

From Cicero’s De Natura Deorum

Quote ~ ~ Camilla Laurentine ~ 1 Comment

As for your deriving religion from the sky and stars, do you not see what a long way this takes you? You say that the sun and moon are deities, and the Greeks identify the former with Apollo and the latter with Diana. But if the Moon is a goddess, then Lucifer also and the rest of the planets will have to be counted gods; and if so, then the fixed stars as well. But why should not the glorious Rainbow be included among the gods ? it is beautiful enough, and its marvelous loveliness has given rise to the legend that Iris is the daughter of Thaumas.

And if the rainbow is a divinity, what will you do about the clouds? The rainbow itself is caused by some coloration of the clouds ; and also a cloud is fabled to have given birth to the Centaurs. But if you enroll the clouds among the gods, you will undoubtedly have to enroll the seasons, which have been deified in the national ritual of Rome. If so, then rain and tempest, storm and whirlwind must be deemed divine.

Embracing a Calling: Death Midwifery

~ Camilla Laurentine ~ 7 Comments

In my early 20s, I received that profound moment that others describe where they receive their calling towards ministry – The calling where you find yourself suddenly at complete peace and going “Yes, I can do this. I can help people with their spiritual lives.” I had originally planned to become an Unitarian Universalist minister, but truth be told the thought of being in school for another 8 years of my life and going into extreme life-long debt only to be saddled down with society politics (because I’ve seen congregations explode in my time and out a minister at the turn of a hat) seemed to kind of a dead end to me.

Then I was told to go into agriculture. This is still on my list of things to do. The problem is that we’ve discovered that I am photosensitive. I have many of the symptoms of lupus, but we’re still searching for answers to if it really is lupus or something else. With that, I’m not sure exactly how large-scale I’m going to be able to work on a farm. Not that I wanted to have a huge farm, but I want to cultivate more than food for just my family – This is another topic altogether, so I won’t go into details right now.

With coming to terms with the fact that my plans are, at the very best, up in the air, the thought of ministry that I’ve been avoiding came back into play. Being a chaplain. This isn’t the first time the thought of being a chaplain to prisoners or in a hospice has entered my brain. It was where I left off when I decided I didn’t want to go back to college. I still don’t want to go back to what will end up being 8 years of college for me where I have to take a bunch of classes not directly related to what I want to do with my life.

I started looking at where I really wanted to be when it came to my role as a spiritual support role in our community. I found myself going back over and over again to those who our society turns a blind eye to quite often – The Dying.

Hekate started discussing her role as Torchbearer to me. I sank quietly into the Eleusinian Myth from a different perspective, and that was the role of Hekate – Bringing the mourning and tired mother into the underworld to find her daughter. Such a modest mention in the grander story, but one of the most important roles within the myth.

I started pondering becoming a death midwife/doula and home funeral assistant. I had no real concept that others were doing this work already. I had no clue at the time that there was literature and training available out there for death work. Slowly links and discussions started trickling in on me. Eventually I found a certifying program online that I felt was a good match for me along with a few classes.

I started talking to others about how I was considering walking into this line of work. Most of the conversations I’ve had have been incredibly positive and encouraging.

Then a friend from high school died last week. She didn’t die suddenly. I have watched her slowly die over a two year period on Facebook. She had gone through radiation and chemo for a brain tumor while pregnant. I cried when she had a severe allergic reaction to the chemo drugs and had to stop taking treatment. I cheered when her son was born healthy. We discussed head scarves in that time as her hair started to fall out. I prayed for her. I watched her come into faith with her God and find peace; she was truly graceful in a way I’ve never seen another human being. We were not close despite all of this. Yet something about her passing changed me in a profound way, watching the process from even an impersonal position 2 states away caused me to consider how we as a society view death and what that means to not only the Pagan/Polytheist community but those who feel the need for a different approach to death… Something warmer, kinder, and gentler for those crossing and those left behind.

I have full plans to offer my services on a sliding scale or at no cost to those in need, save for supplies that might need to be bought. Despite the Affordable Care Act, I fear that people dealing with large hospital and healthcare bills still exist, and while I would like to be compensated for this work I also feel it’s imperative that every person be given the dignity they deserve in the final days.

So here I am, putting out the word today that I’m going to attempt doing this. This is part of my Work. This is a piece of the puzzle of how I’m meant to serve our community. It’s not something I would have ever thought I’d find myself doing, but I also didn’t see myself going into farming either. Now I can’t imagine myself not having land to work with one day.

With all of this said, I’m asking for help with this. I could go into the long story about why I’m trying to raise the $700 it takes to get myself trained to a point where I’d feel comfortable starting to work, but the fact is that as much as I’d like to be able to pay for this out of my own pocket I’m unable to do that.

I’ve started a GoFundMe fundraiser in hopes of even getting the smallest amount raised to help me in this journey. I’m offering various levels of rewards from prints to custom art to prayer beads made of stone with hand-fabricated sterling silver filigree made by me. Even the smallest of donations will help me out. If you’re unable to donate, please consider sharing the link to get my story out there.

Thank you so much.

 

Coming Out as a Godspouse

~ Camilla Laurentine ~ 7 Comments

Coming up at the beginning of August, I will be celebrating my 8th anniversary with my Lord Apollon. With that, He has requested that He and I revisit and rework the vows we made to each other all of those years ago when our relationship was just really beginning to take form. Despite the fact that these vows were agreed to for only a year, we remained with each other faithfully without much fanfare. We simply were and are, and I have enjoyed constant companionship with Him. I have enjoyed the blessings He has brought into my life.

It feels strange and uncomfortable talking about my relationship with Him on my blog, which on the other side of the coin is hilarious to me. I have to remind myself that it’s only been in the last few years that I’ve even begun to talk about the relationship to those nearest and dearest to me.

But with this renewal of our marriage vows, He has made it clear to me that my Work with Him is about to increase. And with that comes the necessity of being open about who Apollon is to me.

For the last 6 months, I have been attempting to write my history with Apollon. At this point it simply isn’t going to happen. It is too long, convoluted, and honestly I’ve discovered that in those first few years I’ve completely lost track of my own chronological history due to mental illness and/or spiritual emergence as a (still emerging) Spirit Worker.

He doesn’t care if I tell our story at this point, because there are other projects He prefers I work on – Roman Revivalism, building a new shrine in the house, and laying down the plans for His future sacred homestead and temple. Taking on students. Training further as an Oracle. More importantly, working to raise His healing family’s cultus and (re)building a healing modality that lies in the heart of a Mystery tradition that is being built – Not just by me, but others working with Him.

He wants art. He wants me to write more, both fiction and non-fiction, so perhaps in time our history will be told. It’s just not high on my priority list right now.

All that was really requested of me is an easy “Yes, this is me. I am a Wife of Apollon.”

When this relationship started, I realized that I wasn’t the only one. I simply didn’t know other Wives or even that there was a larger community of Godspouses (and all the other shades of relationship) out there. Over the last few years, I’ve found others. Some of us have formed very important friendships to me to the point where I truly do consider them sisters.

I’ve heard stories about how they are treated by some in the larger community. I’ve seen a lot of accusations that fall upon the mental illness stigma our community is rather terrible about. And I think partially I’ve been quiet due to not wanting anyone else having problems since I have been completely open in the past about my struggles with both bipolar disorder and debilitating social anxiety – Both of which Apollon has helped me and is continuing to help me manage. I don’t want others to experience some of the treatment I’ve experienced due to the fact that one Spouse happens to also have the mentally ill label.

But more importantly, I have simply wanted my relationship to be private, because it’s exactly that: A private relationship. I don’t talk about the details of my marriage to my mortal husband. Specifically I don’t divulge very private details: our disagreements, our physical relationship, etc. And yet people feel that, because you are married to a God or Goddess, that it’s okay to ask for information of a private nature. There’s a disconnect for some reason that, because this is a God it is somehow different emotionally than being married to a mortal. It isn’t. It never occurs to people that asking someone in this sort of relationship with a God might be hurt by others demanding to know if their Husband wishes to be in a marriage with them or how to have sex with them.

In the limited openness I’ve had I’ve found this to be true, so I’ve very quietly started coming out about it. I put a link up to The Treasury of Apollon. I mention my work with Apollon more regularly. I state I’m a godspouse on my About page.

But that’s not quite good enough for Him. I’m okay with that, or if I say that enough times perhaps I will be okay with it eventually. He didn’t ask me to tell our story. He just wanted me to be open about who He is in my life.

I will not be responding to others asking questions about if He wants to marry them or how to sleep with Him. Trust me, if He has interest in you, He’ll find away to get that wish communicated to you very clearly. I’m fully okay with Him having relations with others, but I’m much, much less okay with being involved with being part of the organizing of said relations of strangers.

I will, however, talk about my relationship with Him. I will talk about Him in general and our Work together.  If you have a question about working with Him in general, I will happily respond to your questions.

So there you have it.

About Roman Revivalism

~ Camilla Laurentine

This is what I’ve been painfully working on lately.  This is what has been asked of me, and this is my current main Work under the guidance of my Lord.  I will continue to write in this blog from a personal side, but slowly but surely I will be working on birthing a new Roman tradition and welcoming community.

About Roman Revivalism.

March: A Modern Fasti

~ Camilla Laurentine ~ 2 Comments

This is my attempt at putting down what we practice and celebrate in my household.  As one that holds cultus for Apollon, some Hellenic days slip into the mix for both Him and His family. You will also note the incorporation of modern holidays, veneration of historical figures, and personal rites tied to the seasons where I live that embrace the agricultural cycle (as opposed to the solar seasonal).

These will be hyperlinked as soon as they are posted for those who have found this later.

Each of these days will posted on their actual date or shortly thereafter depending on my home schedule.

 

fasti

March (Martius) is considered by most to be the beginning of the Roman religious calender. It is named after Mars, the Father of Rome, and many of the traditional festivals of the month center around Mars and his myth.

  • Kalends March 1st– First day of the month, with rites performed for Juno and Janus
  • Die natalis of Mars, March 1st – Birthday of Mars
  • Matronalia, March 1st – Celebration of mothers and wives, with rites to Juno Lucina
  • Nones, March 7th – Honoring Juno, the Lares, and the Penates
  • Ides, March 15th – Honoring Jupiter
  • Liberalia, March 17th – Festival of Liber Pater and Libera
  • Northward Equinox/First Seeds, March 20/21st – Planting the first seeds of the Spring/Summer garden
  • Final Day, March 30th – Honoring Hecate

Why My Blog is No Longer I’m Not a Wiccan

~ Camilla Laurentine ~ 8 Comments

After 5 sporadic years of writing on this blog under the name I’m Not a Wiccan, I have decided to change its name. When I started blogging, I had problems finding others like me. It actually has taken me years to search out the pockets of people who believe much like I do. And in 2011 when the major Polytheist versus Pagan linguistic debate started, I decided to continue calling myself a Pagan.

These days I find myself using both terms interchangeably, but since I talk more with self-identifying polytheists, I tend to use that term more and more. Especially since swinging further into a Roman-influenced practice.

I, personally, am bored with the debate. I see a lot of hate being spewed forth by those who are loudest and, for one reason or another, have been allowed to be considered our leaders. These people are not my leaders. These people do not speak for me.

They may use the same terms I lazily use for myself, but they don’t even represent the vast majority of us milling about on the internet – Those of us who are too busy doing the work that so many of them are apt to scream we need to do. These “leaders” are not my people any more than the Neo-Pagans, Wiccans, etc.

Recently I was told by the Gods I serve that it was time for me to speak more on the tradition we’ve been building together, and this is what I plan to do. I am more concerned with my own work and spiritual practice than I am in joining the game of More-Devoted-Than-Thou and whatever general holy roller nonsense that we as a community have allowed to leak in, take control, and poison of our faiths. And this is happening on all sides.

It’s elitism.

I’m not an elitist.

I’m an Apollonian, and I hold the belief that we’re all on our own paths to excellence. I’m no better than the next person. I’m a stone that’s still being polished.

I want temples and social services for our people. I want things to actually change for the better. I don’t have time to sit around debating after this long about polytheism versus paganism, hard versus soft, devotional versus whatever. These debates are typically not even of the thelogical nature, and they’re designed to build a “us versus them” drama that is constantly fueled by ill-concealed hate and the need to be better than someone else. They are the debates that never end. They are debates that take us away from the real issues at hand.

Who cares? What are you doing for the community beyond stirring the pot and making money off of us? Why should I enable your histrionic narcissism?

And so while the address to my blog will still hold the term “Not A Wiccan” in it, I feel it’s time to retire the name. I don’t feel that what I’m not should define me any more than I think what other people do in their private, religious life is any of my business.

There is nothing wrong with being a Wiccan. I have a lot to thank the Wiccan community for, because it’s a lot easier these days to say I’m Pagan and not get my life threatened, which has sadly happened more than once in my nearly 20 years as an open Pagan/Polytheist.

I refuse to add to the nastiness, even with the smallest detail – And so my blogs name must change. Be the change you wish to see, right? Right.